Months Later...

I had started dating a good looking guy that I had been crushing on for months and felt loved and accepted immediately. THAT was my downfall. I trusted him. I thought he felt love for me as I did for him and we seemed to have everything in common. We were together almost 3 months and I gained some weight while I was with him, but I was happy. I was only weighing myself maybe once a week and hadn't really been watching what I ate. I thought that if he accepted me enough at 257lbs to go out with me, then he wouldn't mind if I gained a tiny bit. I told him everything, even about my anorexic past, the cutting I used to and still do sometimes, and anything else you can imagine. I told him my highest weight and how much I weighed. He said that he was proud of me for losing weight, but that he didn't support me losing weight the "ana" way. I didn't realize it, but on almost all our dates, we ate bad food and we didn't do anything like walk together. I didn't weigh myself for about a month, but my pants felt really tight and I could barely button them, so I decided to weigh in. I was 277lbs! I called him on the phone crying and he said to meet him at the park close to his house so we could "talk". When I got there, he was already there and I ran to him and hugged him and he hugged me back and told me to tell him what was wrong. I told him my weight and how horrible and gross I felt. You know what he said? "You should feel horrible and you are gross!" I backed up and looked at him wide eyed and he started laughing. One of his friends that I didn't know well came from behind a tree with a video camera. He had taped the whole thing and was laughing with my boyfriend. I didn't know what to say, except "What is this?!?!" When he told me that he never loved or even liked me and that he was dared to ask me out I felt more tears stream down my face and my chest fell. His plan had been to make me gain even more weight and to make me feel horrible. He is a monster and I hate him and I can't believe I fell for it... I ran home crying the whole time. I locked myself in my room and my mother tried to get me to open my door, but I didn't. How could I tell her what happened? This whole thing happened 2 days ago and I have only left my room to use the restroom and eat. I ate a lot and gained 3lbs. I'm 280lbs now. I refuse to gain anymore weight, I will never be over 280lbs and I will never go back to my highest weight. 5 and a half hours ago at 9pm June 30th, I started a fast. I don't know how long it will last, but I will try my best to get down to where I was when I first started dating him. 257lbs. 23lbs is what I need to lose as fast as possible. After that, who knows? Maybe I'll fast for a long time, or become ana again. I'm scared as much as I hate to admit it. Ana ruined my life for years and it was so horrible gaining all this weight, but I was my happiest when I was ana and I am my happiest when I see the number on the scale go down. Even if I only lose .2lbs, I feel good knowing that I'm thinner than I was. I'm going to lose weight, I'm going to look sexy, and I'm going to be happy. I want my ex boyfriend to see what he's missing. I want him to wish he would have never done that horrible thing to me. I want him to feel as horrible as I did and still do.

I will do this!

I want to be thinner tomorrow than I was today.

~Raven